I read about 50 bloggers regularly and love them so much so that I emulate and even steal* ideas from them.. So when a few of them recently introduced Guest bloggers on their sites, I thought why not ask someone to write for me and my blog.. Enter Rachel Kwiatkowski.. I know I am taking a chance because of her bad girl image and also because she put a condition that I would publish her piece without scope for any editing, except for she would use “*”s wherever she thought it was not in line with my blog’s motto and agenda.. Thanks Rachel!

The Kwiatkowski Dispatch

The Kwiatkowski Dispatch


Hello guys, this is Rachel, part Domestic goddess part Comic genius. That being said, I can also be a beatch and a c*nt in your ass if you get on my bad side – And I HONK, at least twice a day! But, turns out, I am also Heart’s confessed guilty pleasure! When I got her request to guest blog, honestly I wasn’t surprised. I figured she had to meet this fate because of her over-the-top melodramatic narrations of all things wrong about herself and the world. I even understood that in lieu of her increasing site stats but “progressively” dwindling comments, she has made this desperate attempt to unleash me onto her site. No pun. Well, Okay, pun (^_^) And no, I am not Asian :) =]

So, today I want to write about something that has been rubbing me on the wrong side. =-O (Ut-oh)?! Last month, I had called up my sister as soon as I booked my ticket to San Jose. I had made impromptu travel plans to fly to California to see her and my niece and nephew. I was looking forward to it, because it was going to be a surprise 16th for the young lady. And my sister made it clear that it meant a lot for her that I be there.

The next day in the afternoon, I receive an email from Natia, my lovely niece:


Hv u visited our syt bfr?? did u get dis tkt dun..? its soooooooooo exitn dat u r comn.. oh yaa!! LOVEEE it.. shoot was sup to call u!!!!!!! tdy will call surely!
abt fotos, wow lolzzzzzz.. ken lks cute wid his :-#, doesnt he.. (Rolling ma eyes) or its atlst betr dan mies :P his examz r over………………………..
btw y u makin dis trip..????? lolzzzzzzzzz.. i tnk i knw.. :)))))) bwn u n me, ma bday is the reason, right?!?!?!?! cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get here asap..


My first reaction, what the f*ck is this girl talking about..???? Is this some kind of a secret mission code message that fell off an alien ship and reached me by mistake.. ?? A few hours of research later and after putting a name to this screwed up language, I finally had a name for it and for myself.. It was Textese or SMS language and that I was now the Textese Hater™! At that point, I dreaded going to CA, after all, how was I to talk to them and carry on a decent conversation if they spoke to each other and me in shortcuts?? With those thoughts, I proceeded to pack for the trip and hopped onto the plane..

To my relief the visit wasn’t that bad at all.. It was not weird at all in the sense that I did not come across teenagers in the tens talking in abbreviations and confusing SMS dialects.. Apart for some indigestible grammatical horrors, the conversations were not so out of whack for me.. And the party was uneventful except for the big grin on the 16 year old – the same grin my mother would call out as the “fake” smile while clicking pictures of us as children..

After getting back; I wrote to her, trying to put some things into perspective:

“JeezLoueez, where do I start Natia?! First of all Happy birthday!! smiling.. :P RoFL……:) :P :P :P hahahhaahhahhahhhahaha…………. ::DDDDDDDDDDDDD………… I want to tell you something that has been bothering me.. I was :-& (tongue tied) after seeing your email last week.. We have known you since you were a ~:0 (baby) and the email actually came as a shock to me.. IMHO, I think FaceBook has had too much of an influence on you.. Please use your cell phone that momma gave you diligently.. Know your words and spellings.. You are our O*-) (angel) and we want you to excel in your studies.. Please do this for yourself and your mother.. I am :-< (super sad) and worried that the spellings might affect you academically and hurt your score in tests.. The world of Textese is fascinating, but it has its limitations.. Don’t get carried away.. Ken will soon follow in his sister’s “word” steps and you need to provide him a great learning curve to begin with..

Luv and (((H))),
Ur %-( (confused) auntie..”

I was sure that would send a great message across to her.. And so I waited patiently for my worries to be put out.. At 3am, Pacific time, almost 20 hours after I wrote to her, I get a reply which read:

“lmfao tats what i m tryin to do, luv txtin (: i am learnin and practisin evry day..
i m gld u joyed aunty! hws ur flgt???<3
glad u cud come for my b’day, was funnnnn… :)))
yaya i gt d j/k…… comon don’t wrry………… hehehe….kids kids kids ;O ;O
bwahahahaHA, i got lot’s of blups..  that’s hysterical!!!!!!!!! n doz flowern bouquet u gv me is kewl….
by d way thx for b4 comment abt spellings.. :lol:
a @-}— for you auntie…….. ttyl.. muwah………….. ;) ;) :*”


Upon reading, I proceeded to have a Person 1.0*** panic attack..


Greek and Latin

Greek and Latin @ FailBook

What is wrong with people these days?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think they need to be shaken up a little bit: This particular quote rattled me up!

Source: GenerationWhy? by Zadie Smith:

…...I’ve noticed—and been ashamed of noticing—that when a teenager is murdered, at least in Britain, her Facebook wall will often fill with messages that seem to not quite comprehend the gravity of what has occurred. You know the type of thing: “Sorry babes! Missin’ you!!! Hopin’ u iz with the Angles. I remember the jokes we used to have LOL! PEACE XXXXX”…..

Ahhh, writing this feels like having a good bowel movement..! God, I feel much better.

What’s Your Reaction? And if you want me back on Heart’s site, please let us know how you felt!

=-O “Uh-oh”;

:*) “Drunk smile”;

:-@ “Scream”;

;-) “Winking smile”;

O.o “Confused”;

@@ “Rolling your eyes”;

:-! “Foot in mouth”;

:@ “What???”;

|-O “Yawning”


Literally by Kat

Literally @ Fudge That Sugar


*steal: and always give them credit, to be assured a 100%

*** Person 1.0: According to The Social Network, a person who doesn’t consider himself savvy with FaceBook..
Person 2.0: According to The Social Network, a Generation FaceBook person..

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