The Radical Acceptance of a Book Deal: Lindy West’s New Modern Love

I’m not entirely sure where our society is headed, but I’ve understood one thing for sure. If your marriage implodes in a strange way, there’s probably a book deal waiting for you on the other side.

Lindy West had written a book called Shrill. I had fun listening about her life as an artist and a single woman in America.

This week she was interviewed by the New York Times for their Modern Love podcast series about her upcoming book, “Adult Braces.”

At the end Shrill, West gets married to her best friend, Aham (Ahamefule Oluo, a musician). Her new book is about her married life and its quite unsettling. Even before they get married, Aham tells her that he doesn’t want to be monogamous, because he felt like it was not healthy for him.

She editorializes his words.

“I’ve been divorced twice by age 27, and I feel like possessiveness and jealousy had a lot to do with both of those relationships collapsing. And I want us to be not together because we’re trapped and locked together in a prison of love.”

West immediately starts obsessing about being the perfect wife, so this whole thing – him being tempted to cheat – wouldn’t happen.

Eventually Aham starts seeing another woman, and she confronts him about it. He responds,

“She’s a really good person, and you’re just different. You’re my wife. I don’t love anybody more than you.”

This is the only time when, Anna Martin, the interviewer asks a rational question, if West felt her husband was being truthful.

West says, she was not sure at that time. And feeling emotionally lost, she decides to go on a road trip by herself. And continues to admonish herself that she did not do the one thing he had asked her he wanted out of the marriage – being polyamorous.

And seeing her husband go on this “self discovery” journey of doing what he wants inspired her to discover what she truly wanted in life.

“I’m like, oh, my God, I have the whole weekend to myself. I’m going to do whatever I want. I’m going to hang out with my friends. I’m going to watch TV. I’m going to get takeout. Like, it was great. And then he would come back, and I’d be like, oh, my God, I missed you. And he missed me. And it was so fun.”

At this point, Martin responds with a,

“That is very powerful.”

West starts feeling powerful and empowered, as she gets herself a “husband break.”

“You know? It actually feels very true to me at this point that one person shouldn’t be your whole life. And that doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with other people or whatever. But you should be in a relationship with yourself for sure. And this isn’t me convincing myself to do something that Aham wanted to do. At this point, I really liked it, and I was curious to explore it more.”

On one of the phone calls from her road trip, her husband tells her that this other woman has a crush on West. And suddenly, she starts liking her a lot more, all of a sudden.

Eventually her husband sends her a sexy underwear pic of the other woman and she reciprocates with her own underwear pic to share it with her. Her husband is happy to play the underwear photo mediator. A series of video calls, intrusive thoughts and holding hands in real life lead to a threesome in a hotel room.

“And it was really fun and hot. And then — but I’m skipping over that because I don’t like to talk about sex.”

West has now found a way better life on the other side of her husband’s affair.

“I have two people who love me, instead of one. It occurred to me that maybe — I don’t know about Roya, because she’s very stable. And it’s just really, really just three people that live in a house, instead of two, and we all help with the dishes.”

West is self-aware and articulate. But, its sad that she believes that her every uncomfortable feeling is somehow a sign for her to keep growing emotionally and morally.

Anna Martin as the interviewer is incompetent. She never once challenges the decisions West has made. Perhaps we can’t police sexual morality, but when you put it in a book for public consumption, isn’t it up for surveillance?

I can’t help but wonder if this entire “philosophical breakthrough” would have arrived had she had a hot body and a consistent high self-esteem? Don’t get me wrong, her husband had always had one foot out the front door even before he married her. So, why is she so grateful for his love?

I know defenders will say that even traditionally beautiful women get cheated on. True. But they aren’t always smart enough to milk a book deal out of it by rebranding their husband’s infidelity as a feminist win.

Someone on the internet had commented, “I’d feel sorry for her but she’s perpetuating the idea women should tolerate less from their husbands and be happy. She’s just rebranded it as radical acceptance. In reality it’s exactly the same as women knowing their husbands are cheating and staying.”

The point is, if her husband had already decided on non-monogamy before the wedding, wouldn’t he have sought other women anyway – whether she ended up liking it into a amicable romantic triad? And are we all better off happy than being right?

Anyway, if you’re going to have a complicated marriage, make sure it’s at least interesting enough to publish.

I’ll be skipping the book.

I’m good, thanks.

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Here’s the interview if you wish to read it for yourself. It’s titled, Lindy West Thought She Couldn’t Handle Polyamory. She Was Wrong. And you can find it HERE.

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