Writer-At-Large – A Krash Kourse on The Kardashians

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Tag line: From the perspective of the Indian-American experience.

Below is the quickest way to educate yourself about the most coveted reality family of America. The Kardashian – Jenner family.

Bruce Jenner WAS the family patriarch, the dad of some 15 kids. But, these days she is the mom. No, no, she did not give birth to them. It’s just that now Bruce has the best looking hair and the best pearl stud earrings you can find anywhere. Eye lashes, hair rollers, lips touched up with peach shimmer gel. And don’t forget the cleavage in a strapless evening gown. Oh my! 

Allow me to explain. 

Bruce was a man then, and is a woman now. Bruce is the only one in the family who is original like that. She has her own show, “I am Cait” or something like “Jenner’s Drag Race” to prove her point. The idea is cool, she wants to fight for Transgender rights, stand for what she believes in. That’s all great, but what will happen if he transforms himself completely into the woman he feels like inside? What about saving the numbers of the most endangered species of the US of A? White men.

Bruce started his famedom quite gloriously actually. He won the gold medal in the men’s decathlon at the Summer Olympics somewhere in the mid 1970’s, way back before anyone who is remotely interested in reading this article were born. 

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Sometime soon after, he screwed around with someone named Crystie, who looks exactly like how Bruce looks now. That’s how Burt and Casey were born.

Then there was Linda. When he messed around with her, there came along Brody and Brandon. 

Then he laid his eyes on the Kardashian Matriarch, Kris Jenner. But Kris had already been screwed by Robert Kardashian Senior of the Armenian heritage. (The same guy who had previously defended OJ, who is in jail anyway, which seems like the OJ trail seems like a waste.) The result – Kourtney, Kim and Khloe, and one of the only two college grads in the entire clan, Robert Junior. Well, Robert Senior, likely the other college grad, is now dead. 

Well anywho, Kris and Bruce slept around, and Kendall and Kylie were born. They do not use any hand me downs from their older step sisters. I have to mention that because they make their own money. The Instagram antics of the teenage kids make the rest of the older step sisters look like nuns.To the average human, however it must feel like its Instagram that’s shelling out all that money to them. 

Wait, I don’t want to tell you anything out of turn.

The best part of the Keeping up with the Kardashians show is it feels like a heavily-airbrushed-people-talking-in-fake-American-accents sitcom. It’s also syndicated over and over in every channel and newspaper on the TV and internet daily. And so, you wouldn’t miss a part of their lives at any given moment. Except, of course, we have not been privy to all the bathroom scenes of their lives. What makes the show so interesting for me is that there is serious tongue lashing and physical abuses hurled around that in an era when human touch has been almost extinct, their bickering gives some comical closure. 

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The other specialty of the show is that if you watch just this one, it is like watching all the other reality TV shows of America.

12 and pregnant, 

Jersey Shore, of course, this has to be the Armenian Shore,

Love and HipHop Husbands,

Basketball Wives,

Teen Mom,

Armenia’s Got Talent,

The Not so Simple Life

and even the new series, Body Bizarre. 

Robert Junior might even qualify for his own show, The American Idle or The Biggg Bachelor. 

In any case, Kim is the only one really worth any mention. Because the rest of the extended family is just Kim Kardashian wannabes. And she has a thing for black men. Her intense need for spotlight is unparalleled. My imagination amends itself every time I see her in a new outfit. She wears something every day that makes stuff like Madonna shooting fireworks from her boobies look pale in comparison. 

To my fellow Indian-American sisters, her appearance is very close to ours. The brunette hair, the perfect tan and the body hugging sparkly outfits. I get that. However, unlike us commoners who figures when exposed would get us arrested for public nuisance, Kim’s every body part is an empire. I don’t get that. 

Her popularity hurts because I can’t generate as much interest in the public’s eye. It’s like farting and not asking to be excused. What hurts is not the fart, but the injustice of it all of not asking to be excused. 

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For the intense addition that the public of Indian origin have for navel gazing, this stuff might provide only little relief in the form of Kardashian selfies that stream on the internet every day. Why otherwise are boobs and navels so ignored here than in her shows, where her intense feminine pride comes exclusively from her ginormous rear end. A culture clash of what defines a woman’s beauty. That must be it. Little surprise since where we go for the heads of bad guys in the east, we go for the balls here in the West. 

And if there is any other guy worth mentioning, it is Scott, Kourtney’s off again – on again, boy friend / baby daddy / potential hubby material. Not because he is glorious, but because he is fighting it. He’s also the exact reason why I have come to forget the greatness of white men like Abraham Lincoln, Tom Brady (his looks are his greatness, let’s face it), Steve Jobs etc etc. 

In America, unscripted TV should be like challenging a bystander to win a million bucks if he agrees to wax his chest hair for TV. 

But for Indian-Americans, unscripted TV shows should feel heavily scripted, following the same story line time and again. Boy comes to America with parents. Boy cannot meet girl. Boy shoves his face into books. Boy has to become a great man. Case in point, Vivek Murthy, Satya Nadella, Sunder Pichai etc etc. 

Not surprisingly, I have some insight into what might be up next. Khloe might soon come out and claim identity crisis. “I have always felt like a man. Watch me on “Call me Cole”. 

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When Life Happens, You Write

When you’re a writer-at-large, you let life happen to you. That way, you let your eyes steal everything that you see, put a spin on it and spill onto paper / machine some “stream of consciousness” kinda cool stuff. And if I am a true writer-at-large, it’s only fair that I must observe, muse and write about it.