The Human Arc in the Attention Economy: How Algorithms Are Changing Love

The Human In Digital Debris

 

I’m deeply interested in our anthropological evolution as humans and love studying how our lives have changed since we started living both online and offline.

And here are some current dating trends that worry me about how our anthropological arc of human mating is shaping up.

I see us moving away from intentional relationship formation and toward optimizing our lives around garnering attention.

 

Barriers of Entry

 

Traditionally, it was the man who was expected to make the first move. But thanks to changing gender roles and apps like Bumble, which wanted women to make the first move, things have changed.

Whether it is a man or a woman who wants to move first, there are still some things that are not quite clicking. Gen Z has already spent years communicating linearly through texts and voice notes. They can’t possibly imagine locking eyes with a stranger with the intention to flirt.

Young people living in the era of looksmaxxing might also be questioning whether they’re even worthy of being looked at with desire. What if embarrassment or rejection becomes fodder for the next viral moment on the internet?

 

 

Optimizing, Not Engaging

 

Ever since GenZ has come off age, their lives seem to be in the spotlight. In their search to optimize their algorithms and chances, they seem too consumed by the optics and not the actual engagement.

Christine Emba writes that parents and the internet are also partly to blame. In her article “The Reason Gen Z Isn’t Dating,” Emba writes:

“Parents played a role, too, pushing their children to prioritize education and achievement while neglecting to advise on love.”

 

“And online, where they spent an ever-increasing share of their time, rage-bait relationship content and polarized dating ‘advice’ filled the gap. Instead of clarifying standards, raising our aspirations or giving us expectations of dignity in love, the online discourse has built upon decades of gender wars to leave Gen Z-ers largely alien to each other, afraid and alone.”

 

And all this has led to a generation for whom, as Emba writes, “romance has turned into something to be debated, theorized and optimized for but not actually engaged in.”

You can read the article HERE.

 

The Crush Recession

 

Gen Z is also saying that they’re in a “crush recession.” It’s a social media concept that describes an overall decrease in people’s enthusiasm, spontaneity, and optimism around the excitement they feel when thinking about crushes or romantic interests.

“Some of the reasons include dating app fatigue, an increased fear of rejection, social isolation, and a culture that encourages people to rapidly evaluate potential matches instead of allowing curiosity and uncertainty to develop naturally.”

You can read the article that explains this trend HERE.

 

Bumble Bee

 

Apps are taking note that young adults are getting burnt out on apps. So, Bumble, the app that went viral for allowing women to make the first move, is introducing a new AI matchmaking system called Bee that claims to get people away from the endless swipe model of dating apps.

Instead of asking users to manually swipe through hundreds of profiles, Bee will learn about your values, relationship goals, and preferences and recommend potentially compatible matches.

The question is, along with the current data mining it already does on its users, what other intimate data will Bumble potentially be looking at?

Data privacy questions aside, it’s turning apps into psychological or behavioral models of users.

 

Chemistry From the App Labs

 

The dating app Tinder was modeled after B.F. Skiner’s pigeon experiments. Skinner gave pigeons food at random intervals. The pigeons pecked compulsively, believing their behavior caused the reward.

On the app now, people swipe 1.6 billion times a day. And the male match rate is at 0.6%, which means one match per 167 swipes.

People have become pigeons for whom swiping became the reward.

Tinder is now releasing a new AI feature called Chemistry that can scan your camera roll to suggest better matches.

On the announcement post, someone commented:

“I’m cooked, my camera is filled with memes.” 😭😂

 

Manufacturing Chemistry the Old Way

 

But all is not lost. To fight app fatigue, I see a trend of some great IRL (in real life) events happening around the world. Gen Z and others are getting back into the game of blind dating in the real world.

On Valentine’s Day this year, a social club hosted a Wrestling Speed Dating night in Brooklyn, where a few hundred young people showed up for a chance to battle it out for love in a wrestling ring.

The rules of the night were that those with a wrestling ticket were guaranteed at least one round of wrestling with a partner of their choice, whom they first had to approach in person.

There are also events popping up called “Date My Mate”, where you can pitch your friend to a room full of strangers using a cute PowerPoint deck. Love this trend!!

 

Countering Problems With Apps

 

We’re seeing that dating companies are creating systems designed to keep users searching rather than get them together in real life.

The access to many profiles and the dating culture has tuned us to drop and ghost anyone who we don’t get along with. No need to compromise or meet halfway with the same person you had just fallen “in love” only two months ago. After all, we can always swipe for a new option, right?

The best way to use apps is to understand that we, as humans, still have the responsibility to cultivate healthy relationships, consistent communication and also set boundaries just like how we would in real life.

Read more on how dating apps are shaping self-esteems and gamifying modern romance HERE.

 

Cookie Cutter Clutter

 

There’s another side to globalization and being able to follow trends from all over the world. Young people now report something strange that they’re observing on every app and in real life. Most of these profiles and people they encounter look very similar. On an article from The Print, this is what is being reported.

On the apps, “The aesthetic is so consistent it might as well be a uniform; same man being recast in different lighting: the jawline mirror selfie, the gym shot, and the inevitable mountain photo”

 

And in real life dates with one of these perfectly calibrated profiles, there seems to be “much time seemed to have gone into grooming, lifting, and getting the angles right that very little was left for anything else. Conversation stalled, there was no depth, and personality was replaced with the low-effort ‘rage bait’ humor that works better on Instagram comments than across a table.”

 

Read the article HERE.

 

Stanford Study: How Couples Meet and Stay Together

 

We’re living longer and there’s an even more need for companionship in this big strange modern world. Here’s an interesting study of how long-term relationships thrive.

The “How Couples Meet and Stay Together” study shows us that how people meet matters less than what happens after they meet.

Lasting relationship happiness is tied more strongly to things such as communication, commitment, sexual satisfaction, emotional connection, and how partners handle the practical realities of life together.

Whether we met through friends, school, work, a bar, or online seems to have very little to do with long-term relationship satisfaction.

The study also addresses an important point. Initial attraction can get people together, but for a relationship to stick and stay fulfilling over time, it takes compatibility, satisfaction, intimacy, and the ability to build a shared life.

Find the study HERE.

 

But We’re Not Even Getting to First Base

 

From movie binges in the early 2000’s, I learned that the term “first base” was not just what it was in baseball but also meant kissing your date. Of course, my American colloquial knowledge comes in handy when I have to write social commentary like this.

Mating is one of our most primal instincts. It is also one of our survival skills for millennia. But we’re not even moving from our first date to our first base fast enough in this modern app dating landscape.

Here’s a reminder for those who are uncertain on how to take things to the next level. Someone commented on social media, and I’m taking only a snapshot of what was said:

“It is, in fact, one of the most democratically distributed activities in the entire history of our species, something that nervous people, ugly people, broke people, awkward people, people with bad teeth and worse haircuts and zero social media presence have been managing to do, successfully and repeatedly, for roughly three hundred and fifty thousand years of anatomically modern human existence.

 

The woman across from you at the coffee shop might just be a human being with free will and a body that wants things, a mind that gets lonely sometimes, a heart that may like very much to find someone else to press against in the dark — a person, in other words.

 

Just like you, you absolute disaster, with your anxieties and your weird hobbies and your fridge that only has condiments in it! Just like you. Just like you.

 

Trust Your Gut

 

And in the matters of heart, please trust your gut. Every day on social media, I also see conversations like these. Recently a woman showing a picture of her ring had gone viral.

 

 

And one of the comments was:

“Don’t let men play in your face. Tell them what your expectations are and hold them accountable. I am not materialistic at all, and this is simply an unacceptable engagement ring.”

My worry is in the global world of comparison thanks to social media, when will we trust our gut versus the comment of a stranger. I’m not sure if this is a clickbait piece of content or whatever happened to this woman after reading all the negative comments on her “small ring”. Sad.

 

Love Apptually

 

The documentary Love Apptually (2026) drives many of these data points home.

The dating app industry thrives on incentives like retention and subscription revenue, not necessarily pair-bonding success.

The rate of success for men is said to be as low as a shocking 2%. Attractiveness ranking inside the algorithm is often not according to any universal standard, and extensive data collection is also a feature of the business model.

See the trailer HERE.

 

The Anthropological Long View

 

Finally, my request is manyfold, but let’s start with the basics.

To begin with, our ancestors fought harsher mating challenges than a first awkward coffee conversation. So, come on young people, we can do better!

The impediments for the modern man and woman come from amplified anxiety around meeting strangers, algorithmic distortion, and predator companies that want you to stay hooked.

What hasn’t changed is our longing for company and connection. We all crave kind, intelligent, and reciprocal company.

What needs to change is that we have to create more chances for incidental encounters within our communities and encourage an open discussion about expectations and rules of engagement.

A cultural shift where parents make known connections possible, where companies are held accountable for better tech outcomes, and where we learn how to take our real-life interactions to the next level.

We must start by adapting ourselves to show up, risk rejection, and face evaluation in real time by real people who are, ultimately, just like us in what they crave. 

 

Next Episode

 

In the next episode, I will explore how midlifers are going out and exploring second chances via real life networking events and also websites and apps including Meta looking for connections. 

 

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“Men want sex and will give you attention in exchange for it. Women want attention, and they’ll give you sex in exchange for it.” ~ Divorce lawyer James Sexton

 

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FEATURED IMAGE: The Kiss By Gustav Klimt

Essays On Life

 

Why We See Outrage, How Hope Helps And Handling The Stressors Of Life

 

True heroism is minutes, hours, weeks, year upon year of the quiet, precise, judicious exercise of probity and care-with no one there to see or cheer. This is the world. ~ David Foster Wallace