How Motherhood Changes You: The Invisible Weight, Guilt, and Legacy We Carry

All That She Carried: Part II

Of all the roles I play in the world, being a mother is my most enriching and challenging. I’m grateful that I get to be a mom to my two children and that I get to learn from them qualities like kindness, enthusiasm and the enduring spirit of fighting for the causes that they believe in.

I was invited to a podcast recently where I was asked some great, thoughtful questions about my parenting style and the influence and the limits of my own mother’s style of parenting on me.

Here are the questions and my answers.
I am publishing them as two part, just so I can give the reader a breather so they come after their own reflections to the second part of this conversation. You can find the first part HERE.

Question V:

How has motherhood transformed you, has it made you better or maybe you’ve been the same person and just your workload has quadrupled?

Absolute lack of control in how things will unfold, right? And I learnt this lesson immediately after I became a mother, because you know you have this cocky arrogance about yourself until then. You can do this, you can do that, you are a master organizer, you have all these things lined up for you. I kind of sort of have OCD to the point that I have to stay organized and like plan out my day down to the hour.

But when it comes to your children, especially the pain aspect for them. If they’re going through anything that I will not be able to do anything about it, not coming to terms with that was the biggest lesson for me personally. That at some point I’ll have to let go and just let them be. And they’ll have to, you know, just like how my parents have to let go of things that are out of their control.

I also learnt to just be vulnerable, and just showing my imperfect self to them. You know, I am this imperfect dinosaur for them, and now that is completely fine with me. Just be yourself otherwise people see it, especially children are the best judges of how you conduct your life.

So, I guess just being a better person is how motherhood has changed me. Because when I read those cheesy forwards on WhatsApp, the ones that say, “Children will never listen to you, but they will do what you do” or something like that.

That idea terrifies me, like I need to get my act together and do my best. Because they’re watching me like a hawk, right?

Question VI:

What was the most challenging aspect in your motherhood journey?

For me, it’s mostly like with any relationship, its also with my own children, how much of my presence do I give while compromising on my productivity? How much attention do I give away while trying to also be selfish, with my own personal and professional goals. I was reading an article where a mother shares an incident with her son. She is in the middle of making a presentation for her boss, and her son calls. He is in a dorm room all alone, and he had called her to talk to her. But she asks him if it can wait and hangs up the phone.

And this essay is about the aftermath, and what happens in her heart after she hangs up. She’s full of regret, her son is in the dorm room all alone and she couldn’t wait to finish the presentation?

And even Indira Nooyi, she said this like 10 years ago, that there’s nothing like having it all. Until I had heard that, you know I was part of this hustle culture, trying to do everything for everyone all the time. But if the CEO of PepsiCo can say that there’s no such thing as balance, I realized that I can also lower my standards and make peace with it.

Question VII:

As a mother, what is it that you would want your children to carry with them, as your legacy? (Intangible, essence, uniquely you, values)

See, our children are growing up in a global world. So, I would like to tell them to not just compete with anyone else but yourself. You know, ask yourself, are you better than yesterday? I tell my children I have a hashtag for myself. #Betterthanyesterday. Have I learned? Have I grown? Have I done anything to move the needle even 0.1% on my wildest dreams. That’s all that matters.

You know, every one of us here have different lives completely. We can’t even, like, compete among us for how would you compete with 4 million other people we see on the internet, right? So it’s an impossible task, and it’s just an unnecessary component of our lives we don’t need.

Also, I would like to tell them that the reaction time for any setback that you have, if you can just shorten it quickly. Yes it’s not easy to move on, it’s easier set than done. But, you have worked so hard, you were waiting to hear back from all these interviews for internships. And you’re still waiting and you don’t have anything yet. Okay, so what? You learned a lesson, you’ve learned what not to do. Now time to reduce the reactivity time of your reaction and move on.

QUESTION VIII:

If your life story were documented as art (song/book/movie/painting) what would it be? 

She came, she lived, she conquered or something, is what would be written. Just kidding, it might be a painting.

I feel like I would be sitting in a metro. I would see people just walk by, get into the train, move around, interact with me or not sometimes. It’s this flux of human beings all around me, and somehow, in some strange way, we are taking life sustainable for one another in that short journey, you know, and I feel like that’s what we are doing here.

So, it’s going to be me and a metro where I’m surrounded by people, like you.

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Here’s the first part –> HERE. Thank you.

Please watch the podcast here: 
All That She Carried: Stories of Motherhood by the team at Her Munzill

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The Indian American Life