Congratulations, class of 2014 Georgia Tech EMBA! Well, now that you are executively something, a quick recap of what life has been and yet to be. And since every great commencement speech in history had a name, this one does too. SECRETS OF YOUR UNSUCCESS – A satire.

The big gun Commencement speech

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#How it all began

Thank heavens, they found each other and not us.

suckers

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You had classrooms with a view of hotel rooms.

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It’s been a balancing act. 

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Staying till end of class meant counting seconds, literally.

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TECH taught you the mantra for success.

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You were this super busy grad at Home.

dream big

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But out in the public, you unleashed your inner tiger. 

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You played with big numbers. 37% cost savings, 50 million in increased revenue, 25% ROI.

draft

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Until that complimentary WSJ subscription runs out ….

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Now, that’s a kicker. Your failure is yours, your success is all ours.

LaurenCaitlinUpton-Annotated

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#Cultural Education’s part of the Deal

You saw PEOPLE – Made in China.

China

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You wonder what’s their strategy to keep spreading? 

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A few of you retained your trusty sidekicks in case of multicultural communication problems. 

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You tried to blend in at Korean BBQ places and Karaoke nights.

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#Learnt a few Life Lessons

After one wash, those suits fit atleast someone in the family. 

China Suit

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That “SINGLE” problem you had before you enrolled is still there.

hubby

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You were this, 20 pounds lighter, before the computer desk claimed you. 

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You learnt when it’s time to quit trying HARD. 

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Life is short.

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You embrace America’s religious fundamentalism fervently.

Generally speaking

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#At and after Commencement

This is you during the momentary ceasefire between end of the last class and re-beginning of real life. 

cease fire

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At the commencement while taking pictures, you look different to yourself. 

ellen-selfie-oscar

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This kegger can have life changing impacts. #FurBus

35-passenger

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#Embarking on the Job Hunt

Truck drivers are paid well and have a height advantage when it comes to scouring the landscape. #CareerRefocus

KK

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Killing time can be a job because it was never a problem to begin with

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Invest in a flash bulb and a cell phone camera and you can be a class act, maybe even the next Anne Hathaway. 

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Bernanke might offer his job including the MELTDOWN.  

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#Time for a Reality Check

Friday nights are going to be different when you have no team work.

Hangout

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Your life is going to be SO UNFAIR, it is not fair for the rest of us.

zach-galifianakis_5101

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You will have severe withdrawal symptoms having no deadlines anymore. #Aftermath

noltemug

Moral: The slow learners get eaten.

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