Hello?! Isn’t SHE the one who proposed this lunch in the first place? “25th’s a Thursday, work is really light, so I can sneak out for an hour. No one will notice. It’s been a long time girl, let’s do something!” Now, what were her exact words again? “It’s an urgent meeting Rach, I am so so sorry, but my boss has set this up last minute. Oh man, are you.. are you on your way? I feel terrible moving this to 1:30. Am so sorry! Sorry.”

Are you freaking kidding me? We are supposed to meeting in 7 minutes! Please, tell me, please, this is not happening to ME. How can ANY boss send an invite for 12:30 when it is already 12:23? How is it possible? Jesus Christ, this is America!

OhhhhhKkkk, OK, you know what? Let me take this U turn, get back home, settle down and then think more clearly. Actually, if she doesn’t care, I really don’t care. I am not dying for company.

Stop it, stop it, Rach. All these distractions, these are stopping you from being the best you can be! But, what if she is trying to pull a fast one? I should have told her I am busy at 1:30. “It’s OK Shri, stuff comes up last minute, no worries, just ping me when you are done with your meeting.” Yikes, sounds so needy. I might as well have said, “I am all yours, no urgent meetings in MY life, just waiting for any human touch.” Blah.

OK, guess what, I am going to wait till 1:30, and see what happens. This God damn garage door has always been so crooked, I wonder why Chaz never thinks of fixing it. Oh, but if HE needs anything or if something happens to HIS shoes or HIS tie, we are all summoned, and those stupid things must receive first class treatment. My life is a joke. It’s a pathetic joke.

“I am so sorry. I feel guilty calling you like this, but my boss has set up this urgent meeting now.” Isn’t that what she said? Now, THAT’s pure bull shit. Wait, didn’t she do the same thing, last minute cancellations some other time? No, was that Rupa who did that? God, I can’t remember. Seriously, I am a famous door mat. What if she doesn’t call back? I guess I will not let this slide under the carpet. I have to show people that I care, have feelings and that I am a real person!

This shirt looks really good on me. What a shame if there is no lunch. You know what, it’s not like Apocalypse is coming and I will never have a chance to wear a decent shirt again! I will just wear it at Kat’s birthday so that those stupid Diva chicks don’t rubberneck me. Rubbernecking bitches. I should start investing more on Old Navy and Abercrombie. Yeah, I am not 25 anymore, but who cares? Laurie is 64 and oh-ho-ho, what she wears can make Nicki Minaj blush!

Come to think of it, isn’t she such a big bull in a China shop? What did she say at Stephanie’s? “Hey guys, I am sorry I am late, I got some left overs from yesterday’s dinner. It turned out really well, and so I thought I will get a sampler.” Some Desi schmoozer that was. Seriously, I almost gagged on my plate.

OK, anyyyywhooo, this is a legitimate lunch hour and so no one’s going to be looking for me. But, just in case, lemme log back on. Man, I really love Daily Mail, it is like my window to the American psyche. Am soooo glad I stumbled on this. Kim Kardashian – hah, always has to be on the front page! Oh my God, she is so brave, I can’t even wear her clothes, like, EVERRRRR.

This internet is so spotty, I need to fix it. I need to call those Dish TV folks ASAP. OK, Peace. Peace. I need peace. Rach, you need to cut crap from your life, crappy thoughts, crappy people. Let this be a wake up call to you. Actually, come to think of it, this might be God’s way of telling me to consolidate my to-do lists. I can break up the next one hour into 4 chunks. First stop, EMAIL!

Wait, what is Gus doing out there? Why is he always sitting out on his porch and talking on his phone? Maya must be on the phone in that basement being a good travel agent too busy to care what he is up to. Why doesn’t he cut his grass properly? All those weeds keep messing up our lawn. Heyyyy, hmmm, he is actually not talking on the phone, he is dozing off. Bleghhh, such an idiot.

OK, great, now shoot me. I have to sit right in front of the pantry. Dammit, it’s been 7 years and I still can’t get a decent office space set up here. It’s OK, it’s just pistachios. What?! Oh shit, shit, 125 calories for 20 of them! There are some cheesy quotes on Pinterest, but let’s face it, they have some life changing ones on there too. Eat 5 small meals a day! Simple! Hmmm, hmmm, these are so good. It’s OK, it’s all good, I will just park far and walk to the restaurant.

These buttons, they are putting a dent on my stomach. Ahh, there, much better. I wonder where Ray’s father is now, is he dead? Lemme Google, “Everyone loves Raymond dad name”. Awww, he died of cancer? Man, I loved him so much. So funny, unbuttoning his pants IN the living room before settling down to watch TV. He he he. God, I hate this fundraising crap on Wiki[pedia]. Why do they have such a big yellow banner right in the middle of the page? Makes it so difficult to navigate.

By the wayyyy, what is the Kourtney Kardashian’s net worth? What?! What the heck? Everyone is a frigging millionaire except me. Tell me, what IS her claim to fame? Come to think of what is Kim’s? Yeah right, it’s not like I can do a sex tape, pshhhh, forrrrget it. I guess I will just stay hungry and stay foolish like [Steve] Jobs said.

Oh no, I shouldn’t be digressing! I don’t understand this, if Mrs. Clark is sending emails all day, when does she have time to actually teach Kyle? And why can’t she just lay out the syllabus for the test and be done with it. I can’t get him to tell me anything about school. “Mom, there is this awesome fart sound I can make, Mom, I want to be human for Halloween, Mom, you can be Hairy Potter, get it, get it? Because you are hairy!” Let’s face it, he is smart, but he is such a lazy ass. But that boy is such a delight. Awwww..

Ugggh, look at this, one of those town hall meetings again. How much information do they need from the public before they can figure out that we don’t need anymore billboards in the city. God knows what they are going to advertize about. It’s bad enough we already have 2 high schools in a mile’s radius. I wish people started doing those public meets via Skype, I mean, come on, who has the time to physically drive anywhere? All these small lunches are fine, I am listening to books and not actually wasting time. And Belle Cora, that’s 15 hours long. I can drive up to West Coast just trying to finish up that book.

Wow, it’s already 1:15. No call yet. Guess what?! I will call her for lunch next Friday and then bail out last minute. I can get away with that. People get away with a lot more than that. After moving out of our subdivision, she has really started to ignore me.

Oh my God, dad, dad, please stop sending me these stats about India! I don’t have the time to analyze them, and yeah, I DO feel bad for them blind people, but there are plenty here who are not blind AND can’t see my point. Pshhh.

India’s population is 118 crores.
Daily death – 62389
Daily birth – 86853
Total blind – 682497
If daily dead people donate their eyes, within 11 days all blinds will be able to see.

Ehh, maybe I can donate and get a tax break on it. Let me save the link on [Google] Docs at least. Oh cool, what’s this? Oh, I just love these model fail videos. Amazing why they have to wear those pointy heels on those rickety makeshift ramps. It’s like Youtube is stalking me, he he. I love all the funny videos they recommend. Let me save this so the boys can watch it too. Wait, I wanted to show them that concentration video one of these evenings. Hmmm, why didn’t my reminder go off about that? Hey, this one I have already seen, this girl attempts to come down the ramp and gets her heel stuck in the cracks and ends up with a handstand, ha ha. Yup, Kyle showed me this one right after we watched that Kid President video.

Oh man, this guy is truly a hero, George Saunders, I wish I can write like him. I don’t get everything he writes, but I guess that is what makes him so famous. It should sound exotic, miss a few words here and there, punctuate incorrectly for some abstract effect. Hmm, this is 40 minutes long. It’s a little heavy for me, right now, I just need to stick to funny ones. Dang, that reminds me I stopped that online cooking class on Coursera midway.

Oh God, I have to catch up on so many things! Youtube is such a waste of time. I don’t want to go upstairs, seriously, there is so much laundry to fold – it makes me cry. I promised that I will send out the invites for Mo’s birthday this weekend, I don’t even know if I should invite her. I need to seriously rethink my priorities.

Oh, it’s Janet. “Can you tell me where I should be buying the spatulas for the party? Don’t worry about thingummy..” Why can’t the damn phone show the whole text. But, if I get onto to What’sapp to figure out what the heck she is asking for, everyone else will think I am being a bitch for reading and not replying. Thingummy, what is thingummy? Is that even a word? Must be, it passed through Auto Correct right? Arrgh.

Wow, is that her? Oh my God, she is calling. Should I pick up? Should I? If this goes into voice mail, she can assume whatever she wants, not MY problem. That will cause the same terror that she caused me. Actually, you know what, forget all that crap.

“Hey Shri, howdy, so..?!”

“OK, again, I am so sorry Rach, if you still haven’t eaten, please come, I am done with the meeting. I am at the restaurant.”

“Aww, wait, come on, we could’ve done this sometime later. It’s all good babe, you didn’t have to. Thanks!!”

“No, no, I can wait, this is my way of saying thanks for waiting.”

“OK, cool, I will see you in 15, Greek food coma, here I come! Bye!”

I knew it. I knew it! I am such a good judge of people. Shri is a nice girl, she wouldn’t have left me hanging. It must have been a genuine situation with her boss. Before I forget, let me put this reminder out. “Finish up research about perils of social engagements”.


* * *


%d bloggers like this: