I just finished speaking to my ob gyn. I had gotten a call from her office, but I called them back 20 minutes later insisting to speak to the doctor herself. She said the same thing once again, that the result was positive and I am 13 weeks pregnant. I wished her a good day, snapped the phone back shut and slouched down in the couch right next to my son.

Was this possible?! A lightning smile flashed on my lips and then it was gone. An interesting statistic would help you understand my predicament here, the number of times in a year, my husband and I have actually slept in the same bed, let alone be intimate. Hardly, because I am always inches away from Kyle’s bed, in his bedroom, just in case he needed me mid-sleep.

My first question, Why? The genetics, the environment, hereditary, doctors and their medical studies, everything have already pre-determined the smallest chance the little one on-the-way had, to be normal. There might be a lot of moms like me in the world, but only a few of us with real challenges with our kids. Well, but I would not know what a normal child would bring his mother in the form of challenges, right?

My Kyle is just 9, but our connection seems to have been forever. The first 2 years of his life is still hazy in my memory, mostly I feel because we shared a normal mother baby relationship. Then the diagnosis came after I insisted my pediatrician to write me a prescription to see a specialist. The laundry list of questions that we had to answer to see a therapist both confused us and rattled us. I have had trouble believing in God or for that matter anyone else in terms of being able to care for my child better than I, after the fact. Quitting work was my way of making sure that he would be under my round the clock watch. I was determined to understand all about the disorder, IEPs, the networking with other parents, and most importantly make him all normal, but the time has not come yet. He still fits into my arms, has the mental capacity of a 24 month old and looks like a 4 year old. My child has bipolar autism.

My memories take me to that day 4 months ago. Kyle and I had been playing with wooden puzzles all afternoon, and the sound of the garage door alerted him. He says airport, plane whenever he sees his daddy come inside the house through the garage. One of my proud moments, because I am amazed at his imagination that his daddy goes to work in his own plane. He was surprisingly early from work, he waved at his son and headed upstairs to change, then came back and sat next to us. Our eyes had not met and we hadn’t spoken to each other directly in a long time, except for when I needed to ask him if he cares for a second helping with dinner. But, that day, he called me by my name and proposed that we go to the Niagara falls for our 10th anniversary. Before I could speak, he told us that he had just bought tickets for all three of us. I was excited and nervous at the same time, because the last flight we took 5 years ago ended u in an emergency landing and us getting kicked off the plane in Pittsburgh. Our 4 year old had refused to stay seated and belted.

That night had ended with a lot of promises, love, tears and emotions. Life had been so much of a tailspin after Kyle’s diagnosis that we had forgotten what we had meant to each other, how we met and fell in love, our days together and our similar passions and interests. With Kyle in our lives it was different. But not say it did not have its share of happiness.

Kyle has brought us joy, with him every day is a milestone, every day is fun, even if he is tantrum throwing after we buy him a fuzzy sweater at the mall, or shouting at the top of his lungs in a sandwich store, or even at those times when he is having trouble cleaning up after himself. He will always be special, he will always be my first-born. I have to confess that I have not completely gone without treating myself to getaways, once in a while. A grocery store trip, a quick-lunch with a friend while my mother offers to baby sit have been life savers even if they are few and far between.

But now, was not the time to reflect, it was the time to start a fresh page in our lives. A tiny heart has just started beating inside of me! I had to shower it with love and show him or her what was possible with love. I had to learn to cook real baby food along with the GFCF meals that I had learnt to make, I had to learn to stay happy and cheerful THROUGHOUT the day for the sake of my family. I had to go out and seek new friends to arrange for play dates.

And most importantly now, I had to make that phone call to tell him how much I love him and that my little Kyle was going to be a big brother soon because someone was on their way to share our beautiful life together!

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